I must be strong and carry on.

Dearest Adam Rensin,

You have been on my mind so much the past few days. Sometimes I forget about what you did. I'm not exactly sure how to process your death...even 4 months later. I watched a few videos of you on YouTube and it hurt all over again. Hearing your voice again. Hearing your laugh. It crushes me.

I think I am more affected by your death because you are like me. We met because we had at least one thing in common, and it was that we needed the 12 steps to cope with our family life.

None of our mutual friends want to talk about you with me. I feel like I need to talk about you. My sister won't talk about you. Robert won't talk about you. Others are still angry at you for being selfish. But me...I loved you Adam. You were my friend. I feel like I let you down by not being there for you when you needed someone. I'm sorry that we wouldn't let you come to our meeting anymore. And I'm sorry that I wasn't available for you to talk to. Show me a sign that you forgive me. Please.