You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life. It's not ok, but we're all right

So, my father has been continuously calling me for the past two days. I haven't answered. I'm going on 21 years old, and I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I don't want to have a relationship with him. My father brings nothing but absolute misery and heartache. When we first talk it opens a door that brings me back to when I was a little girl and loved my father to pieces.

The sad, hurtful reality is my father doesn't know how to have a normal father-daughter relationship. I don't think he is purposely trying to hurt me, but it still doesn't make it okay. I've had enough and I don't want the pain he brings into my life anymore. He contacts me about twice a year and it has been that way since I was 12. As I got older I tried to have a relationship with him, I really did. I wrote him letters, invited him to my birthday parties, all that petty shit. He never came to anything. He invited himself to my high school graduation and he STILL had an agenda. I remember I was stressed out about him coming (never peaceful when he's around) and later on I accepted that he was here, and I actually got a little excited that my friends would be able to see what my dad looked like. When I walked out of the baseball stadium to meet my family for post-grad pictures, my dad wasn't outside. I asked my sister where he was and she told me he went to his car. I started bawling in front of the rest of my family and my friends. It looked like I was upset because school had ended, but in reality I was crying because my father dipped out to his car to get loaded really quick before he had to hit me up to do a bunch of favors for him.

Since I was 18 I've struggled with going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to help my dad. I guess I'm a little bitter. I constantly think "he wasn't there for you when you needed him the most, why should you be there for him?" and then I struggle with feeling loyalty to him because whether I like it or not, he's my dad. He's half of me. I would not exist if it weren't for him. But...the things he's asking me to do for him make me sick to my stomach. I have a good intuition, and I know that it is wrong and I don't feel comfortable doing it. I won't do it.

This entire situation has made me sick. I want SO BADLY to have a normal relationship with my father because my ultimate fear is now that I'm choosing to ignore his attempts to contact me, what if he dies soon? What if he dies with me not talking to him and I never forgive myself? But then...is talking to him worth the hurt? Every time I even see an international number appear on my phone I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I don't want to talk to him. Right now, I don't think I am emotionally stable enough to have a conversation with him.

Effects from my tainted childhood have come up in my life a lot lately. I have some gnarly trust and abandonment issues, and I have a hell of a lot of resentment towards him. I prefer when he acts as if I don't exist. I'm his daughter by blood. I never got the nurturing father that I NEEDED. I have men issues up the yin yang and I don't think I will ever be able to completely have a normal relationship with someone because I am so messed in the head from this. I don't ever want my children to go through this pain. I never want them to feel like this. Ever. This makes me want to fall off the face of the planet before things just magically get better. I do have to say that I am incredibly lucky to have such an awesome mother and siblings.

This picture is the latest I have with him. I was 16.